I waited two or three months too long to get my hair cut (it’s expensive + I’m lazy) and when I called to make an appointment the receptionist informed me that the very friendly and very talented lady I’ve been to a few times was on vacation. Normally I’d wait, but I’m going out of town next week and want to look nice, so I went ahead and made an appointment with an available stylist.
He did a superb job (though really, she does as well- I highly recommend Vidal Sassoon at South Coast for the fancy lady or gentleman buried deep inside you) (so deep). Anyway, during the haircut he mentioned that his guilty pleasure was putting on headphones, blasting NOFX, and reading comic books. HELLO RAD HUMAN.
And so now I have to make a decision about just which awesome person I want to feel less cool than (salons, man) and give a lot of money to. Real after-school special stuff.
First off, sorry for the awful photos. iPhone, late at night, scared out of wits, no wits left, etc . So, my living room has this huge picture window flanked by two regular ol’ windows. It looks out on downtown from four floors up, and the view is super pretty at night. Usually. When I came home late last night, however, I saw what looked like a smudge on the glass. I turned on the light and damn near had a heart attack as my eyes took in isolated bits that my brain refused to compute: barbed legs…shiny carapace…antennae LIKE TWO INCHES LONG. (Again, bad photo, sorry, but if I had a crystal clear closeup I wouldn’t post it because that’s icky and I care about you.) I think I’m like most people in that I’m not overly grossed out by bugs in their natural habitat (OUTSIDE) but inside my hyper clean apartment on the 4th floor they’re a very rare, very gross, and very quickly escorted outside sight (after an icky dance, of course).
Once my eyes adjusted and my brain caught up I realized the cockroach was on the outside of the glass, PRAISE THE LORD, OH WAIT, HE MADE COCKROACHES, FORGET THAT GUY, though the photo almost makes it look like some person-sized cockroach strolling down the street late at night, stopping on the sidewalk to gaze up menacingly at my apartment.
And then I never slept again.
I tried to tap it off the glass, but the pane isn’t very sturdy and my feeble attempts did nothing. It didn’t budge. And I’m pretty sure I heard a really tiny laugh. I couldn’t leave it there, spying on me and gathering intel on how best to infiltrate to take back to its brethren. But then something magical that will surely never happen again occured: I called my cat (who was asleep in the bedroom) and he actually came. When I called him. He came running. We both looked at each other, surprised that that’d just happened. He must’ve heard some ‘attack!’ tone in my voice or something - I don’t normally let my cats go after bugs because 1. bugs never step feet into my apartment and 2. cats are sadistic torturers at heart, so this was a whole new world of wonder. He was instantly transfixed.
Cat Police on duty.
Somewhere around the the tenth adorable photo of my adorable cat being adorable, the cockroach scuttled up to the top of the window where it meets brick and disappeared. Not like, stepped out of sight, but there one second, gone the next. I’m pretty sure the cat and I had matching what. the. fuck. expressions. Now, this is an old, old building, with cracks and holes and seams everywhere, including (to my quickly-growing horror) the inside of my window. I’d been meaning to get to them with a quick spackle/sand/paint job for the past, oh, 2 years, but a few seconds visualizing a mammoth cockroach tunneling its way through the walls was all it took. Suddenly 2am was just a great! time for home improvement.
After. Don’t tell me cockroaches can eat through this.
I don’t want to live on this planet if that’s true.
Whew. All right with the world, I headed off to bed. I woke up around 4 because I am an Old Person now and get up frequently in the night to do Old Person things (get water, go to the bathroom, putter) and noticed a soft tapping sound. I went out to the living room, turned on the light, and saw Poe still pawing at the glass, though there wasn’t a bug in sight.
I knew I shouldn’t have given him a badge.
And around 5:
Best little rookie on the force.
So now I’m thinking I may need to pick up the pace on all those little ‘to do’s’ on my home list, lest they lead to potentially catastrophic situations such as this. Fire, lit.
"The summer reading program for children and teens has begun at the Night Vale Public Library. This comes an alarming surprise, given that the program was abolished by the City Council 30 years ago. Though parents and teachers have asked on several occasions to reinstate the program, City Council has maintained its position, citing lack of taxpayer funds, the extreme danger posed by books, the peril of exposing children to librarians, and of course, the incident that precipitated the ban- which the town’s older residents will refer only to as the ‘Time of Knives’.
Nevertheless, in a show of civic dedication, or mindless bloodlust (and they really are so similar), Night Vale’s librarians have banded together in defiance of authority to reinstate summer reading.
Colorful posters with appealing statements like ‘get into a good book this summer’ and ‘we are going yo force you into a good book this summer” and “you are going to get inside this book and we are going to close it on you and there is nothing you can do about it” have appeared overnight around the library entrance and in local shops and businesses…”
I know I’m way late to this party, but Welcome to Night Vale is delightful. It’s hard to describe, so I’ll go with: if the Venture Bros universe had a public radio show, this would be it. I am so glad that this wonderful, weird thing exists.